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Tag: abuse

Published 6 december 2023

Unraveling the Dark Mystery Behind Fetlife Murders: An Insight

The Fetlife community has been rocked by a series of gruesome murders in recent years. These crimes, committed by individuals who used the platform to connect with their victims, have left law enforcement officials and members of the community struggling to understand the motives and methods behind the violence.

The Fetlife Murders remain shrouded in a dark mystery, leaving many to speculate on the potential dangers of online communities and the psychological factors that contribute to violent behavior. In this in-depth analysis, we aim to provide insight into the Fetlife Murders, exploring the broader societal and cultural implications of this tragedy. Through examining the cases and patterns, psychological profiles of the perpetrators, and the impact of media sensationalism, we hope to shed light on the complex nature of these crimes.

Our analysis delves into the virtual realm of Fetlife, examining its influence on users and potential implications for the murders. We explore the darker aspects of the platform, including the potential risks and dangers associated with engaging in online communities like Fetlife. Additionally, we’ll discuss the blurred line between fantasy and reality in the Fetlife community and how it may have contributed to the murders.

By evaluating law enforcement’s response to these crimes, as well as the legal ramifications and victims’ support networks, we hope to provide a comprehensive understanding of the Fetlife Murders’ full impact. Lastly, we’ll offer practical advice on safety measures and precautions that individuals can take when engaging in online communities like Fetlife, and speculate on the community’s future changes and adaptations.

This article serves as a cautionary tale, highlighting the importance of ongoing discussions and awareness surrounding the risks associated with online communities. Through this analysis, we hope to provide insight into the Fetlife Murders and contribute to a larger conversation surrounding online safety and personal responsibility.

Understanding the Fetlife Community

Fetlife is an online social networking platform that caters to individuals into BDSM, kink, and fetishism. It was founded in 2008 and has since grown to include millions of members worldwide, making it one of the largest BDSM communities online.

The Fetlife community is formed around the idea of providing a safe space for individuals to explore their sexual interests and connect with like-minded individuals. The platform allows users to create profiles, join groups, attend events, and engage in discussions.

It is important to note that while Fetlife is associated with BDSM and kink communities, it is not a dating platform. [It is used as a hook up platform and pornographic website]. Instead, it is designed to facilitate conversation, education, and exploration of BDSM interests.

Exploring the Virtual Realm: Fetlife’s Influence

While Fetlife’s primary function is to facilitate communication and connection between like-minded individuals interested in alternative lifestyles, it has created a virtual realm that extends beyond its online platform. Users have reported that their involvement in the community has impacted their day-to-day lives, influencing their social interactions and shaping their personal identities.

As a result, Fetlife’s influence extends beyond the boundaries of the site and into the lives of its users, with the creation of subcultures that embrace alternative lifestyles and practices.

However, this influence is not without its potential dangers. The anonymity of online interactions can lead to a false sense of security and trust, potentially leading individuals to engage in risky behavior or trust others without adequate vetting.

Additionally, the nature of Fetlife’s community and the emphasis on fantasy and role-playing can lead to psychological impacts, blurring the line between fantasy and reality. This can result in individuals becoming desensitized to dangerous behavior and potentially contributing to the perpetuation of risky activities.

It is important to acknowledge the potential influence of Fetlife on its users and to approach interactions on the platform with caution and awareness of the risks involved. By staying informed and mindful of the impact of virtual interactions, users can mitigate potential dangers and maintain a safe and fulfilling experience within the Fetlife community.

Unveiling the Dark Side: Risks and Dangers of Fetlife

While the Fetlife community can provide a safe space for individuals with unique sexual preferences, it also has a darker side that cannot be ignored. The platform’s open nature and lack of regulation make it a breeding ground for potential risks and dangers.

One of the major risks associated with Fetlife is the possibility of encountering individuals with malicious intent. Predators can easily create fake profiles and prey on unsuspecting users. Additionally, the platform’s anonymity can make it difficult to verify the legitimacy of users and their intentions, leaving users vulnerable to exploitation or abuse.

Another danger of Fetlife is the potential for users to engage in risky or illegal activities. The platform’s focus on alternative sexual practices can attract individuals with extreme or non-consensual fetishes, leading to harmful encounters. Furthermore, the lack of regulation on the platform means that illegal activities such as prostitution or human trafficking can go unnoticed.

Finally, the unmonitored nature of Fetlife can be detrimental to individuals struggling with mental health issues. The platform’s open discussion of controversial topics can exacerbate conditions such as depression or anxiety, leading individuals down a dangerous path.

It is important for users to be aware of the risks and dangers associated with the Fetlife community and take the necessary precautions to protect themselves. This includes verifying the legitimacy of users and their intentions, avoiding engaging in risky or illegal activities, and seeking help if struggling with mental health issues.

The Murders Unveiled: Cases and Patterns

The Fetlife murders are a tragic example of the potential dangers of online communities. Over the years, several cases have emerged involving individuals who met through the platform, with fatal consequences.

One such example is the case of Brady Oestrike, who engaged in a consensual BDSM relationship with a couple he met on Fetlife. However, his behaviour soon became erratic and violent, leading to the murder of the couple and the suicide of Oestrike.

Another case involves the murder of Texas woman Jacqueline Vandagriff by Charles Dean Bryant, whom she had connected with on Fetlife just days before her death. It was discovered that Bryant had a history of violence and stalking.

These are just a couple of the many cases that highlight the risks of engaging in online communities like Fetlife. Certain patterns have emerged, including individuals with violent or criminal histories and those who engage in fringe sexual practices.

The complexity of these cases shows the need for greater awareness and education regarding the dangers of engaging in such communities, and the importance of taking precautions and being vigilant.

Examining the Role of Online Interactions

As with any online community, interactions on Fetlife can have a significant impact on users and their offline lives. In the context of the Fetlife murders, it is important to examine the role of online interactions in relation to the crimes.

While it is impossible to definitively determine the influence of Fetlife on the perpetrators’ actions, there is evidence to suggest that the platform may have played a role. For example, messages exchanged between the murderers and their victims on Fetlife have been cited as potential evidence in court.

Furthermore, the anonymity and platform’s focus on kinks and fetishes may lead users to engage in riskier behavior or disregard personal safety. The lack of face-to-face communication and physical boundaries may also contribute to a blurred line between fantasy and reality, potentially desensitizing users to dangerous situations.

It is important for users of Fetlife and similar communities to be aware of the potential risks associated with online interactions. Engaging in conversations and activities that prioritize consent and safety, as well as being cautious about sharing personal information, can help mitigate these risks.

Ultimately, while online interactions cannot be solely blamed for the Fetlife murders, they serve as a reminder of the potential dangers of engaging in virtual communities without proper precautions.

The Line Between Fantasy and Reality

The Fetlife community is known for exploring taboo sexual desires and fetishes in a safe and consensual manner. However, the line between fantasy and reality can become blurred, leading to dangerous situations.

Many users of Fetlife engage in role-play and fantasy scenarios that involve power dynamics, BDSM, and other potentially risky behaviors. While these activities can be harmless when conducted with consenting partners, they can also create a false sense of security and lead to dangerous situations outside of the virtual world.

The Fetlife murders highlight the potential dangers of blurring the line between fantasy and reality. Some of the victims were involved in BDSM and other fetishes with their attackers, but the situations ultimately turned violent and deadly. This serves as a stark reminder that even when engaging in consensual activities, it is important to maintain a clear understanding of reality and potential risks.

Furthermore, individuals who struggle with distinguishing fantasy from reality may be particularly vulnerable in online communities like Fetlife. It is important to recognize the difference between harmless fantasy and potentially harmful behavior, and seek help if necessary.

Investigating Law Enforcement’s Response

Law enforcement’s response to the Fetlife murders has been a topic of debate and scrutiny. While some applaud the efforts of law enforcement in solving the cases, others criticize the lack of attention given to the potential dangers of online communities like Fetlife.

The murders highlighted the need for law enforcement to better understand and monitor these virtual communities, as they may provide a platform for dangerous individuals to connect and communicate with potential victims. There have been questions about whether police departments are equipped with the necessary tools and training to effectively investigate crimes that occur within these online spaces.

Furthermore, the murders have raised concerns about the accountability of law enforcement in addressing crimes that occur within online communities. Given that many of these communities operate on a global scale, it can be difficult for law enforcement to track down and prosecute perpetrators, particularly when they are located in jurisdictions that have differing legal systems and enforcement mechanisms.

Despite these challenges, law enforcement has made progress in solving the Fetlife murders. Through extensive investigations and collaborations with other agencies, several individuals who committed these crimes have been brought to justice. However, there is still much work to be done to ensure the safety of individuals who participate in online communities like Fetlife.

Investigating Law Enforcement’s Response:

Learning from Tragedy: Safety Measures and Precautions

The Fetlife murders have shed light on the potential risks and dangers of online communities. While it is important to recognize the benefits and freedoms that the virtual world offers, it is equally important to take precautions and steps to ensure one’s safety. Here are some practical safety measures and precautions to consider when engaging with online communities like Fetlife:

  • Exercise Caution: Be cautious when communicating with others online and always be mindful of personal information that you share. Trust needs to be earned, and it is crucial to be careful and wary of those who may have malicious intent.
  • Safeguard Your Identity: Protect your identity by keeping your personal information private. Avoid using your full name, address, or phone number when creating your online profile. Using a pseudonym can help preserve your anonymity.
  • Meet in Public: If you decide to meet someone you’ve met online in person, always meet in a public place. Inform someone you trust where you are going and who you are meeting. Consider taking someone with you.
  • Trust Your Instincts: If someone or something makes you feel uneasy, trust your instincts. Always prioritize your safety and well-being over any social or emotional pressures.
  • Continuously Evaluate: Continuously evaluate your interactions and relationships with others online. Be aware of warning signs of abusive or manipulative behavior and take steps to protect yourself if necessary.

It is crucial to take these safety precautions seriously and prioritize one’s safety when engaging in online communities. By being cautious and vigilant, individuals can enjoy the benefits of these virtual communities without putting themselves at risk.

Support Networks: Victim Advocacy and Resources

Victims of the Fetlife murders, and their families, require extensive support networks to cope with the aftermath of such heinous crimes. These networks must provide practical assistance, emotional support, and advocacy services to help victims navigate the complex legal and psychological aftermath.

Fortunately, victims have access to several resources that can support them during this difficult time. One such resource is the National Center for Victims of Crime, which offers a wide range of support services, including counseling, financial assistance, and legal advocacy. Similarly, the Sexual Assault Legal Institute provides free legal services to victims of sexual assault, including access to restraining orders and advocacy in court.

Other resources include local rape crisis centers, which often offer counseling, support groups, and assistance with medical and legal procedures. Many victims also benefit from the support of family, friends, and faith-based communities.

However, it is crucial to acknowledge that these resources may not always be accessible to all victims. Barriers such as financial constraints, geographic location, and social stigma can prevent some victims from seeking the support they need. It is therefore essential for communities to work together to create more inclusive and accessible support networks for all victims of sexual violence and online crimes.

Finally, it is important to recognize that advocacy and support for victims should not end with the resolution of a particular case. This support should be ongoing, recognizing the long-term impact of these crimes on victims and their families.

Legal Ramifications: Prosecution and Justice

The legal implications of the Fetlife murders are significant and far-reaching. Law enforcement agencies across the globe have been tasked with investigating and prosecuting the individuals responsible for these heinous crimes. The successful prosecution of these cases has led to the award of justice for the victims and their families, as well as serving as a deterrent for potential future perpetrators.

The prosecution process begins with the collection and analysis of evidence, followed by the formal charging of the accused. This may be followed by a trial, where evidence is presented to a judge and/or jury, and a verdict is reached. The sentencing phase then follows, where the severity of the punishment is determined, often taking into account aggravating and mitigating factors.

Despite the successful prosecution of some Fetlife murder cases, there have been instances of perpetrators being acquitted or receiving less severe sentences than expected. This has led to criticism of the legal system and calls for reform. Victim advocacy organizations have also raised concerns about the need for greater support for victims and their families during the prosecution process.

Ultimately, the pursuit of justice for the victims of the Fetlife murders is an ongoing process. As such, it is important for law enforcement agencies and legal systems to continue to adapt and evolve in response to the changing nature of online communities and related criminal activity.

Societal Impact: Discussions and Debates

The Fetlife murders have sparked widespread discussions and debates surrounding the safety of online communities, personal responsibility, and ethical considerations. Many have questioned the role of online platforms like Fetlife in facilitating dangerous behavior, leading to calls for increased regulation and oversight. Others argue that individuals must take personal responsibility for their actions online, recognizing the potential risks and making informed choices.

One important point of debate has been the blurred line between fantasy and reality in the context of the Fetlife community. While many users engage in BDSM and other taboo activities purely for pleasure, others may harbor dangerous intentions that can lead to harm for themselves and others. The question of how to distinguish between harmless fantasy and genuine danger remains a subject of ongoing discussion and debate.

At the same time, the Fetlife murders have brought attention to the importance of victim advocacy and support networks. Resources and organizations have emerged to provide support to survivors and victims’ families, highlighting the need for greater access to emotional and legal support for those affected by online crimes.

Ultimately, the societal impact of the Fetlife murders extends far beyond the specific cases themselves, sparking vital discussions and debates about our collective responsibility to ensure safety and ethical behavior in online communities.

Future of Fetlife: Changes and Adaptations

With the tragic events surrounding the Fetlife murders, it is unlikely that this community will remain untouched. Significant changes and adaptations may be necessary to ensure the safety and security of its members.

One possible change that Fetlife may undergo is the implementation of more stringent safety protocols. This could include mandatory verification of user identities, more thorough background checks, and enhanced monitoring of user activity. Additionally, Fetlife may need to increase its moderation efforts to prevent harmful content and behavior from being promoted or shared within the community.

Another potential adaptation could be the development of new technologies or features that prioritize safety. Fetlife may need to look to other online communities or social networks for inspiration and guidance on how to best protect its members.

However, any changes or adaptations must be made with care and consideration to avoid alienating existing members or compromising the purpose and values of the community. It will be crucial for Fetlife to continue to listen to feedback from its members and make informed decisions that prioritize safety and wellbeing.

Conclusion

The Fetlife murders represent a dark mystery with numerous implications for online communities. Through our analysis, we have gained insight into the risks and dangers of platforms like Fetlife, as well as the potential impact of media sensationalism.

It is crucial that individuals engaging in online communities understand the blurred line between fantasy and reality, take precautions to protect themselves, and seek support when needed. Furthermore, law enforcement must continue to develop effective strategies for preventing and solving crimes in the virtual realm.

As for Fetlife, the community may undergo changes and adaptations in response to the tragedies that have occurred. However, it is vital that ongoing discussions and awareness surrounding the risks of online communities continue to take place.

Overall, the Fetlife murders serve as a reminder of the importance of online safety and personal responsibility. We must continue to evaluate the impact of virtual interactions on our society and prioritize the well-being of individuals engaging in them.

FAQ

Q: What is Fetlife?

A: Fetlife is an online community focused on BDSM, fetish, and kink. It provides a platform for like-minded individuals to connect, share experiences, and explore their interests.

Q: Are there any risks associated with using Fetlife?

A: Like any online platform, there are risks involved in using Fetlife. It is important to practice caution and take necessary precautions when engaging with others on the site.

Q: How can I ensure my safety on Fetlife?

A: To ensure your safety on Fetlife, it is advisable to thoroughly vet the individuals you interact with, maintain boundaries, and communicate openly about your expectations and limits.

Q: What should I do if I encounter suspicious or inappropriate behavior on Fetlife?

A: If you encounter suspicious or inappropriate behavior on Fetlife, it is recommended to report the user to the platform administrators and, if necessary, involve law enforcement.

Q: Are the fetlife murders isolated incidents?

A: The Fetlife murders are specific cases that have occurred within the context of the Fetlife community. While they are not representative of the entire community, they highlight the importance of online safety.

Q: How can I support victims of the Fetlife murders?

A: Supporting victims of the Fetlife murders can be done by raising awareness, advocating for resources and support networks, and encouraging open and honest discussions about online safety.

Q: What is the role of law enforcement in addressing the Fetlife murders?

A: Law enforcement plays a crucial role in addressing and investigating the Fetlife murders. It is important to evaluate their response and effectiveness in solving and preventing future crimes.

Q: Can media sensationalism have an impact on the understanding of the Fetlife murders?

A: Media sensationalism can have a significant impact on the public’s understanding of the Fetlife murders. It is important to critically analyze media coverage and consider its potential consequences.

Q: How can individuals ensure their personal safety when engaging in online communities like Fetlife?

A: Individuals can ensure their personal safety when engaging in online communities like Fetlife by implementing safety measures such as using pseudonyms, being cautious about sharing personal information, and setting boundaries.

Q: What are some available support networks for victims of the Fetlife murders?

A: There are various support networks and organizations available for victims of the Fetlife murders. These resources provide advocacy, counseling, and assistance to those in need.

Q: What legal ramifications are associated with the Fetlife murders?

A: The legal ramifications of the Fetlife murders involve the prosecution of the perpetrators and the pursuit of justice for the victims. The legal process plays a crucial role in holding individuals accountable for their actions.

Source: https://techcritix.com/guides/unraveling-the-dark-mystery-behind-fetlife-murders-an-insight/

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Published 6 december 2023

PORNOGRAPHIC INDUSTRY: SYLVIE PIERRE-BROSSOLETTE (HCE) DENOUNCES A “MASSACRE FOR PROFIT”

[Translated from French]

The president of the High Council for Equality between Women and Men (HCE) presented, on Wednesday November 15, to the deputies of the Law Committee the conclusions of the report “Pornocriminality: let’s put an end to the impunity of the pornographic industry “. The former journalist also criticized the government’s strategy regarding age control on websites offering adult content.

Women “crushed, massacred”. On Wednesday 15 November, Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette, Chairwoman of the High Council for Equality between Women and Men (HCE), presented the report “Pornocriminalité: mettons fin à l’impunité de l’industrie pornographique” (“Pornocriminality: let’s put an end to the pornographic industry’s impunity”), published on 27 September, to the National Assembly’s Law Commission. The former journalist, who wants to put an end to a “massacre for profit”, described an industry with “absolutely monstrous” practices and spoke of the need to strictly “regulate” the digital space.

A FAR CRY FROM “DADDY PORN”.

Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette began her presentation to the MPs by repeating the figures given by the public prosecutor in Paris, Laure Beccuau, at her Senate hearing in June 2022: “90% of pornographic videos contain violence that falls under the criminal code.” The president of the HCE, who denied wanting to “ban pornography”, believes it is necessary to “fight against the illegalities that it involves”.

“It is illegal to violate the integrity of the human body”, stressed Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette, citing several degrading practices, such as “prolapse”, with women “so damaged that they are eviscerated, you can see the viscera coming out”. According to Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette, “the degree of violence increases every year” for “click-through and commercial reasons”, in order to “win over new followers, new consumers, and make more money from advertising”.

In this case, the President of the HCE has high hopes for future trials relating to the French Bukkake and Jacquie et Michel cases: “This will prove that these are not just the ravings of specialists”, she explained, describing an industry that is a far cry from the “daddy porn”. These images, easily accessible on the Internet, have “absolutely abominable consequences for young people”, she warned. “They are rushing to the open bar of porn on iPhones from a very young age, 8-10 years old…”.

The President of the HCE is concerned about the “manufacture” of “whole generations of deranged people”, going so far as to speak of a “human tide of deranged or traumatised young people”. Another frightening fact: “85 million videos of child pornography are broadcast around the world every year, and 30% of them involve children under the age of 10”, the former journalist told MEPs.

A NEW ROLE FOR PHAROS?

“We must continue to prosecute the perpetrators, the managers, the producers, the rapists, the organisers, all those who are complicit in this illegal violent activity”, said Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette. But the President of the HCE believes that this will not be enough: “I don’t think the Internet can be totally free on footage like this”. In its report, the High Council for Equality proposes giving new powers to the Pharos reporting platform, so that it can remove or block videos containing “serious intentional attacks on the integrity of the person”.

The former journalist welcomed the adoption of a Socialist amendment to the bill “aimed at securing and regulating digital space” along these lines. This “introduces new content subject to Pharos control: the depiction of acts of torture and barbarism, and the depiction of rape”. However, the President of the HCE warns members of parliament about the use of the terms “depiction of rape”: “These could be simulated scenes”, explains Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette, which could lead to confusion with cinematographic scenes, which are devoid of “real violence”. The issue could be settled at the next joint committee meeting on this text.

THE GOVERNMENT’S STRATEGY QUESTIONED Referring to a “very alarming report”, Jean-François Coulomme (La France insoumise) expressed doubts about the government’s strategy: “The bill aimed at securing and regulating the digital space led us to believe that we could base the protection of minors online solely on technical devices”, said the elected representative, who believes it is necessary to insist on sex education during the school curriculum.” “As soon as a technical solution is put in place, the possibilities of circumventing it emerge very quickly”, he said.

This concern is not dissimilar to that of Cécile Untermaier (Socialists): “In view of the number of videos you have given us, it is quite clear that a judicial response will not suffice and that we need to work on prevention”. In particular, the HCE report proposes “rolling out a plan” to ensure the implementation of “three sessions on sex and emotional education in all classes”, provided for by law since 2001. Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette has herself expressed doubts about the government’s strategy for controlling the age of Internet users on pornographic sites.

The bill to secure and regulate the digital environment gives Arcom the power, in certain cases, to block websites that allow minors to view pornographic content. The bill stipulates that Arcom, after receiving the opinion of the CNIL, will publish a “reference system determining the minimum technical requirements applicable to age verification systems”.

“We’re in for 10 years of litigation”, laments Sylvie Pierre-Brossolette, who believes that the guidelines will be “challenged before the European Court of Human Rights, the [European Union] Court of Justice and 50 other bodies”. According to her, “by the time all this has been sorted out, the guidelines will be obsolete”. The President of the HCE would have preferred to let the sites themselves define the control procedures: this would have made it possible to “observe” that their methods “are not effective” and therefore to “close down these sites”.

Source:

https://lcp.fr/actualites/industrie-pornographique-sylvie-pierre-brossolette-hce-denonce-un-massacre-a-but

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Published 6 december 2023

Rape is exceedingly common in the BDSM scene

Rape is exceedingly common in the BDSM scene. In fact, even the community’s own lobbying groups such as the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom—one of their board members doubled as FetLife’s community manager, by the way—admit to a 50% higher occurrence of consent violations among BDSM practitioners than the general populace. That’s nearly as bad as police officers, who statistically speaking are also twice as likely to be perpetrators of domestic violence. The BDSM scene has a self-delusional belief that they are “all about consent,” but in reality, they are at least as bad with sexual consent as everybody else, and likely a lot worse given their penchant for eroticizing abuse. Many women and Submissive-identified people within that community, including myself, had been saying this for a long time, but had been routinely ignored.

Even during the height of these national debates about “the BDSM community’s consent crisis,” the Consent Culture working groups were pitifully meek. They had collectively decided that “something must be done,” but what they chose to “do” was make a petition calling for the removal of the clause in FetLife’s Terms of Use that the site’s management was using as justification for censoring rape survivors. But as is often the case, when you must beg for something from a master, you find that they will not grant your request. Three years later, FetLife has still refused to change their policy and is still censoring rape survivors—unless those survivors use the Predator Alert Tool.

In October 2012, I realized that the root cause of the FetLife problem was simply that site management got to control what users saw when they browsed the site. But the Internet, which was made famous by mashups, allowed a unique opportunity to route around FetLife’s censorship in a way FetLife could not control. I wrote a simple mashup between a public Google Spreadsheet and FetLife that enabled anyone to report a negative experience with a FetLife member. With a mere 260 lines of JavaScript, that information could then be overlaid directly on FetLife.com.

With Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, the problem of FetLife’s censorship all but vanished: FetLife users could now warn other FetLife users about predatory behavior, and FetLife’s site management was powerless to stop it. Just a few weeks ago, we met a woman right here in Albuquerque who had used the tool to alert others about a local “Master” violating her consent.

Users of the tool then began asking for a similar capability on other sites, like OkCupid and Facebook. There are now seven variations of the Predator Alert Tool browser add-on, each designed to work with a particular social network or dating site. Importantly, none of these tools has been developed in collaboration with the social network in question. Most sites have refused to acknowledge the tool, despite inquiries from journalists and community members. Some sites are actively hostile, sending DMCA takedown notices and even threatening to ban Predator Alert Tool users. Meanwhile, the already overwhelming positive response from the user community continues to grow.

Predator Alert Tool arose directly from the needs of the community that it serves. It enabled the user community to do exactly what the authorities at FetLife didn’t want done, or what OkCupid and Facebook don’t want users thinking too critically about. And it accomplished this by just implementing that capability rather than waiting for permission to do so. Its impact was immediate and disruptive—on purpose. These characteristics are indicative of all direct action software development projects.

Today in 2015 the petition proposed by the “Consent Culture” working groups has still not achieved its goal of stopping FetLife from silencing rape survivors. Predator Alert Tool was able to accomplish that goal in one night of coding, with these 260 lines of code, three years ago.

Source: https://idlnmclean.tumblr.com/post/158931112351/rape-is-exceedingly-common-in-the-bdsm-scene-in

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Published 6 december 2023

Revictimization: How Can This Keep Happening?

Moving from judgment to compassion.

Posted May 4, 2020 |  Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Jurien Huggins/Unsplash

Source: Jurien Huggins/Unsplash

I feel like I have “Abuse Me” written across my forehead! Why does this keep happening to me?

Over the years I’ve lost track of how many people have asked me that question.

The first time an individual is victimized, they often take on the responsibility for the abuse. This can be a way for a victim to reclaim control. It is reassuring to believe that changing habits, behaviors, or interactions will ensure that the abuse will not reoccur.

When someone is victimized a second or third time (or more), research shows they are even more likely to feel guilt and shame and to judge themselves harshly. Unfortunately, they are not alone. Family, friends, professionals, and the media often respond to revictimized people with far more judgment than compassion.

Saints, sinners, heroes, villains, the beautiful, the scarred, disciplined, undisciplined, strong, weak, and people of every other type have been victimized. Abuse, whether it is a single or a repeated event, is not elicited by victims; it is perpetrated against them by an offender.

A traumatizing abuse experience will often leave a victim in severe emotional and psychological distress, and sometimes in physical pain. The resulting symptoms, including those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), are attempts by the body, mind, and emotions to regain stability and to reduce this extreme distress. Ironically, defensive responses can place the victim at greater “risk for later interpersonal trauma.” (Jaffe et al. 2019) These trauma symptoms include: dissociation, alcohol and substance abuse, distorted perceptions, low self-esteem, risky behaviors, cognitive accommodation to on-going violence, learned helplessness or passivity in the face of danger, willingness to tolerate maltreatment in order to avoid abandonment, adaptation to socioeconomic stressors and discrimination, (Briere, 2019) increased irritability and anger. (Jaffe, et al. 2019)

Facts, provided by research, can serve as instruments of kindness.

Jaffe, et al. (2019) stated it succinctly: “The most consistent predictor of future trauma exposure is a history of prior trauma exposure.” A child who is abused is at a significantly higher risk of being revictimized in adolescence and/or adulthood. (Aakvaag, et al., 2019; Zamir, et al., 2018)

These facts, established by scientific research and supported nearly unanimously by experts across the fields of mental health and the social sciences, provide a strong rebuttal to knee-jerk reactions that place blame for revictimization on the innate characteristics of individual victims.

The field of psychology has gone through its own evolution in understanding revictimization. In 1920 Freud published Beyond the Pleasure Principle, in which he identified repetition compulsion as a repeating and reliving of painful experiences in lieu of holding them in memory. (Zamir, et al. 2018) This theory, part of Freud’s developing understanding of human instinct, when applied more recently to revictimization, places the bulk of responsibility squarely on the psyche of the victim.

As the understanding of trauma and PTSD developed in the field, via both research and practice, new theories of revictimization developed based on the impact of an original trauma on a repeatedly abused person.

The facts establish that when a person is sexually assaulted multiple times or in several domestic violence relationships, the cause of that pattern is not some underlying masochism, a characterological failing, or any other personal flaw. All abuse, original and subsequent, is due to the actions of offenders. A victim’s vulnerability to revictimization is often directly related to the impact of inflicted trauma.

A central component to the theoretical models of revictimization, developed in the 1980s and 1990s, was the role of dissociation as a risk factor. (Zamir, et al., 2018)

Dissociation is a defense mechanism that protects the individual by breaking up consciousness to avoid being overwhelmed by an experience, memory, or sensation. This fragmenting can be as commonplace as distraction or daydreaming, or it can manifest more problematically as emotional detachment, numbing, or out-of-body experiences.

Disassociation may provide relief from distress, but when it develops into a behavioral pattern, outlasting the threat of the immediate abuse, it leaves the person increasingly vulnerable. They miss cues of danger and have a disrupted, discontinuous experience of themselves and their life.

Guilt and shame are two distinct, common remnants of having been victimized. While guilt involves the belief that one “should have thought, felt, or acted differently,” shame is a “painful emotion related to beliefs about threats to one’s social position, including devaluation and rejection.” (Aakvaag et al., 2018)

Guilt can increase the risk of revictimization by focusing our attention, in an exaggerated manner, on our own thoughts and feelings, leaving us vulnerable to missing external cues of danger.

Shame often leads to social withdrawal and isolation. (Aakvaag et al., 2018) Decreasing our connections to others increases our vulnerability because while we may be avoiding people likely to cause us harm, we are also losing access to those who would provide protection, support, an increased sense of personal worth, and the expectation of being well-treated.

Shame is strongly correlated with mental health problems in general and with many PTSD symptoms specifically. The Aakvaag et al. findings suggest that shame may be central to the causal link that earlier studies found between mental illness and revictimization.

Kindness and compassion demand that we consistently hold a conscious place for the role of the abuser in any dialogue with or about victims. Experience has taught me that when an abuser is forgotten, the victim is implicitly left to absorb responsibility for the abusive acts and the resulting conditions, thereby increasing the victim’s feelings of both guilt and shame. This pattern is all the more common when the offender is a loved one, providing further motivation for a victim (child or adult), to absorb responsibility for the actions and patterns of the other in an attempt to rescue a crucial, valued relationship.

Dave Lowe/Unsplash

Source: Dave Lowe/Unsplash

A person who has been victimized needs to heal from the injuries of abuse. Family, friends, support networks, medical, and mental health professionals should be united in promoting that healing for the purpose of restoring health and wellness. A secondary benefit of compassion is the reduction of trauma symptoms, hence a decrease in vulnerability to revictimization.

References

Jaffe, A. E., DiLillo, D., Gratz, K.L., Messman-Moore, T.L. (2019). Risk for revictimization following interpersonal and noninterpersonal trauma: Clarifying the role of posttraumatic stress symptoms and trauma-related cognitions. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 32, 42-55.

Briere, J. (2019). Treating Risky and Compulsive Behavior in Trauma Survivors. New York: The Guilford Press.

Aakvaag, H. F., Thoreson, S., Strom, I. F., Myhre, M., Hjemdal, O. K. (2019). Shame predicts revictimization in victims of childhood violence: A prospective study of a general Norwegian population sample. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice and Policy, Vol 11, No. 1, 43-50.

Zamir, O., Szepsenwol, O., Englund, M. M., Simpson, J. A. (2018). The role of dissociation in revictimization across the lifespan: A 32-year prospective study. Child Abuse & Neglect, 79, 144-153.

Gay, P. (1988). Freud: A Life for Our Time. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.Morereferences

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Published 6 december 2023

BDSM Normalized Abuse In My Last Relationship. What I Wish Every Woman Would Know

by peaceful dumpling, February 7, 2022

I had never strayed far from a “vanilla” sex life until my ex-boyfriend slapped me in the face during a kiss. This was very early on in the relationship. I did not see it for the bright red flag it was. I balked, mouth agape and asked him, “What the hell was that?!” He simply told me “I thought you’d like it,” as if it was something so common it didn’t even cross his mind to ask.

Even though the slap was an unwelcome and unexpected intrusion, I brushed it off. The friend who introduced me to him told me he was into some kinky stuff, describing him as reminiscent of the man from 50 Shades of Grey. I ignored the violation. Maybe he was used to women who did that sort of stuff. We continued seeing each other, and he didn’t slap me again. At least, not until after he’d systematically groomed me into accepting it.

abuse

Now I understand the initial boundary violation for what it was: a test. He wanted to know what he could get away with. At first I had a strong reaction to physical abuse. However, he slowly broke down my boundaries, becoming increasingly violent and verbally abusive during sex.

Throughout the relationship he subtly emotionally abused me outside the bedroom, and outright physically assaulted me—but “only” during sex. It took me nearly two years to extricate myself from an extremely abusive relationship. I wholeheartedly believe I would have been able to clearly see the abuse, if not for the normalization of many of his behaviors by pornography.

I began to be disturbed by the things he said during sex. He called me a stupid sl*t, worthless, a slave. There was genuine hatred in his eyes when he strangled and hit me. If I brought up my discomfort with the things he said during sex, he casually brushed it off, saying it was “just sex, it doesn’t mean anything.” His excuse that he didn’t mean anything during sex seems to be fairly common among men.

It was as though he had two distinct personalities.

Immediately after sex he became a caring and loving partner. He would get me water, hold me, and act as though he hadn’t strangled me and told me he wanted to kill me. Within the BDSM community, this is known as “aftercare,” but I believe it is a form of trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is a psychological term for a deep connection with one’s abuser, especially when the abuse occurs as a cycle: periods of abuse and periods of regret or “fixed” behavior.

Outside the bedroom, we had a “normal” relationship. We went on romantic dates, hiking trips, adventured, made plans to go skydiving, and had regular board game nights with friends. When I got sick he took care of me. We were outwardly a happy couple. My family liked him, and my uncle even told me I should marry the guy. Nobody knew I’d tried leaving him twice, and he’d followed me in his car while I tried to find somewhere to hide. Nobody knew he’d held me down in our shared home and wouldn’t let me out the door until I threatened to scream. Nobody knew the police had been called by a good Samaritan after he wouldn’t stop following me. He ended up taking my dog so I’d have to go back to his place. I couldn’t leave. There was no way out, nowhere to go where I’d be safe. I couldn’t tell anyone. I stayed.

I remember the look on his face after he anally raped me. I was bleeding. Wide eyed, he profusely apologized. He claimed he didn’t think it hurt me—even though I had repeatedly cried “Stop!”

He hadn’t stopped. He promised me he wouldn’t do it again (he lied). There were tears in his eyes. I forgave him. I knew it was no accident but I couldn’t bring myself to face the fact that my partner raped me. It was easier to ignore the truth. He got carried away. It was an accident.

He loves me, he’s sorry.

The sexual and emotional abuse took a toll. I became depressed and withdrawn. When I mentioned I’d like to go back to university to finish my degree, he asked me, “Are you sure you can do it? I think it’ll just be a waste of money.” Maybe I really was too stupid. Worthless. I didn’t apply.

I made friends with a woman I worked with. My abuser didn’t like her, and would have panic attacks when I’d make plans to see her. He went out of town one weekend and I took the opportunity to meet up with my friend. After a few drinks I started crying. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I told her everything. He showed up at her house that night, stood outside her window and listened to us talk. I don’t know how long he watched us, but when we spotted him outside a jolt of fear ran down my spine. My friend’s male roommate forced him to leave. The woman I’d only known tangentially opened her home to me. She let me stay until I was able to move as far as possible from my abuser. I owe her my life and freedom.

After I left him I wrote about the harassment, emotional abuse, and coercive control I’d survived. He was calling me at least 30 times a day, texting incessantly. He called my own mother multiple times to tell her how “crazy” I was for leaving him after I blocked him. He got new numbers and continued to harass me. One of my close friends (ironically the woman who introduced us) refused to believe me because “he’s a great guy, you’re blowing this all out of proportion.” Public shame didn’t deter him from attempting to contact me. He claimed repeatedly he was moving across the country to be with me. Only after I threatened him with a restraining order did he stop contacting me. He was terrified of law enforcement, and cleverly hid his abuse within acceptable confines to escape legal consequences.

BDSM acts as a magnet for abusers. It’s an easy out, when your partner “consents” to being harmed. Even those who aren’t abusive may become desensitized to extremely abusive acts common in porn. Children are being exposed to porn, and internalizing what they see. Younger and younger girls are expected to accept violence during sex. Teen Vogue has written articles grooming young girls to accept BDSM, strangulation, and anal sex—so long as it’s “consensual.” Can one truly consent to an act that is expected as part of “normal” sex?

There have been cases of women being strangled to death during sex and men getting a slap on the wrist for it, because the woman “consented.” We Can’t Consent to This is a website dedicated to fighting the “rough sex” excuse, listing the stories of numerous dead women in the U.K. murdered by their partners. Most of the women listed were strangled to death by their male partner. According to Family Justice Center, “People who have been strangled are 7 times more likely to be killed by their intimate partner (past or present).”

Many people within the BDSM community claim strangulation is “safe,” and there is a correct way to safely cut blood flow to the brain. Women’s Health Magazine wrote an article describing “choking” (choking is a misnomer; strangulation is the proper term) as a thrilling and exciting way to spice up one’s sex life. Strangulation is posed as harmless fun.

But the truth is, there is no way to safely strangle someone.

Dr Helen Bichard of North Wales Brain Injury Service and The Walton Centre NHS Foundation Trust says of strangulation (also known as erotic asphyxiation): “I am extremely concerned by the cultural normalization of strangulation. Erotic asphyxiation should be as much of an oxymoron as erotic brain damage, because brain damage is the potential result. Much of the online advice is misguided; some of it is fatally wrong. When you compress the carotid artery you cut off oxygenated blood flow to the brain, and the brain therefore cannot function properly. Consciousness can be lost in as little as four seconds—a sign that the brain is being compromised. Any pressure to the artery can lead to dissection, in which blood clots can form and cause stroke, sometimes delayed by weeks.”

I’m sure there are those who will claim my ex wasn’t actually into BDSM, since he didn’t seem to care about consent. I may even be called a “kink shamer” for critiquing BDSM and its ability to disguise abuse. I’m not interested in shaming anyone.

I’d like to understand why “kink” is something that cannot be criticized or questioned, especially when the BDSM community is rife with abusers and women with stories like mine.

Why must we unquestioningly accept the hordes of men chomping at the bit to physically and sexually abuse women under the guise of “kink”? Obviously consent is an important issue but we can’t overlook the fact that the abuse of women is considered sexually rewarding to men. Can abuse truly be consented to, so long as it is relegated to the bedroom, or are we as a society playing with fire by normalizing the brutalization of women during sex?

It’s been years since I left him. I still have nightmares of being trapped in that house, that relationship. Now, I’m in a healthy relationship with a man who has never even raised his voice at me. Even so, I still have flashbacks to the terrorizing vulnerability I felt. The echoes of sexual abuse haunt me when my current partner tenderly caresses my neck in intimate moments. A flash of terror courses through me, despite the loveliness of the moment.

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Published 6 december 2023

The Porn Industry Is Abusive, and These Women Are Telling It Like It Is

Holly Madison, Rashida Jones’ Hot Girls Wanted, and Miriam Weeks (aka Belle Knox) shed light on a misunderstood phenomenon.

Photo Credit: Netflix

“Who has seen Rashida Jones’ new documentary Hot Girls Wanted?” Holly Madison asked her followers on Twitter earlier this month. “I think every girl should have to see it before she turns 18.”

Five years ago, Madison might not have been the kind of public voice encouraging people to view a documentary on the dangers and exploitation of girls in amateur porn. In fact, it’s more likely that you knew Madison from a little reality TV show called The Girls Next Door, which chronicled life in the Playboy mansion—where Madison lived as Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend.

Madison’s book Down the Rabbit Hole, which tells of her years at Playboy, has spent five weeks on the New York Times bestseller list since its release June 23. It’s a page-turning story of caution and regret. I couldn’t help but notice the similarities I’ve read in stories of women who were exploited in the sex industry.

“Exploited?” A friend gaped when I brought this up in conversation recently. “Holly Madison was living large at the Playboy mansion. She got whatever she wanted and threw huge parties where everyone was at her beck and call. She became a Las Vegas star after that. Who could say that she was exploited? She certainly gained a lot from that arrangement.”

But ask Holly Madison. Ask Tressa, a subject in Rashida Jones’ new documentary Hot Girls Wanted. Ask Miriam Weeks, whose story of trying to pay her Duke tuition bill by moonlighting as porn star Belle Knox went viral last year. Say what you will about these women being willing participants in their sex-based careers. What’s clear from the stories surfacing is that this is an industry with a lot of manipulation and very little regulation.

How do you convince a woman with dreams of a better life that this isn’t a road worth traveling down?

Photo Credit: Netflix (from Hot Girls Wanted)
Photo Credit: Netflix (from Hot Girls Wanted)

That’s exactly what Madison’s book is trying to do. Sure, Madison became famous from her connections to Playboy. But did you know that she wasn’t paid for the entire first season of The Girls Next Door? That once the show was renewed, they pretty much forced her to sign a contract that she couldn’t leave her relationship with Hefner? That she was deceived by Playboy residents into believing that Hefner’s girlfriends were just arm candy for the old man before being pushed into unwanted sexual relations when she was incoherently drunk? That she was offered Quaaludes? Once she was sucked into the “Playboy vortex,” as she calls it, her movements were constantly monitored. She was subject to a strict curfew, had limited access to the outside world, and was literally followed by Hefner’s men when she had a rare night on her own. As Madison puts it, “Many people assume Playboy was my blessing, but most don’t know it was also my curse.”

These examples from Madison’s book are just a few of the similarities her story shares with countless other women who have been involved in the sex industry—unjust distribution of income, tight leashes, deceit and manipulation, and unwanted sexual relations, among others. As it turns out, Playboy, which can seem high-end and almost family-friendly on the spectrum of adult offerings (I mean, Marilyn Monroe appeared in it, right?), is in fact not immune to the same risks and abuses prevalent in other seedier corners of the industry.

Bait and Switch

Watching Hot Girls Wanted, released earlier this year and now viewable on Netflix, is like watching Spring Breakers, except instead of being about girls on spring break, it’s about girls in porn, and the film doesn’t end with the girls having a triumphant shooting rampage (oh, and it is well done and worth seeing). OK, actually it is nothing like Spring Breakers. Except that they’re both dark and depressing.

Hot Girls Wanted shows the behind-the-scenes life of young women doing amateur porn in Miami, Florida. Most of the women have just turned 18 and found the gig by answering online job listings. One of the women interviewed for the documentary, Tressa, says she found the ad “on Craiglist under TV and radio jobs.” According to a male porn actor interviewed in the film, “There’s an influx of girls who wanna do porn. A lot of them know it’s a trap, but the money’s right there in their face; they take it and just hope for the best.”

There’s also the story of Miriam Weeks. Known in the porn world as Belle Knox, or the “Duke University porn star,” Weeks was unexpectedly outed by classmates and has since shared her story in the web series Becoming Belle Knox. Weeks explains, “I thought this would be a part-time job, but I was so naive to think I could do that . . . you can’t just do a part-time job, you have to constantly be your porn alter ego.”

All these stories share, to varying degrees, common elements that should disturb us. These were women in dire financial need who felt they had limited options. Once they were “in it,” their options became even more limited. In many cases the women say they were given a much different picture than reality. They felt pressured to go along with sexual encounters even when they felt uncomfortable; under the control of skilled manipulators, things often happened faster than they could process in time to say no.

Madison was broke and had just been kicked out of her apartment when she was offered the option of staying at the Playboy mansion. The girls in Hot Girls Wanted were 18 years old with little to no other job history. Weeks felt the financial pinch to provide for her college expenses. Do we see a theme? When it comes to women joining the sex industry, most are approached by predators who aim for women who are young, naive, and in financial straits. In Becoming Belle Knox, Weeks reveals her bleak perspective that led to her porn career: “Life is debts, and life is bills, and life is making adult decisions.”

hotgirlswanted-2.jpg

Unfortunately for many women, despite their entering the industry out of financial need, they don’t make as much as they imagined. “There [are] a lot of expenses with doing porn,” Weeks said after counting her earnings from a promotional display at a porn convention and mentally calculating her total income after expenses. “Being a porn star was very expensive,” Tressa echoes in Hot Girls Wanted. “Rent, nails, makeup, food, flights, and then 10 percent for Riley. I only made $25,000 in four months. And after I got out I had $2,000 in my bank account.”

That’s mind-boggling when you consider just how much money is in the business of porn. According to research conducted by Debby Herbenick and Bryant Paul of The Kinsey Institute for Hot Girls Wanted, “More people visit porn sites each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined. More and more of what people watch is ‘pro-am’ porn—videos featuring paid amateurs. . . . A vast amount of online pornography can be seen for free, but many pro-am websites featuring brand new girls charge subscription fees. The top three are worth an estimated $50 million.” The porn industry overall makes more than $13 billion in profit every year. For context, that’s more than Hollywood, which makes around $8 billion. That’s also more than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, and Netflix combined.

Despite women being the main commodity, a male ringleader usually makes the most bank by controlling the women. In Hot Girls Wanted it was Riley, a combo landlord and booking agent who recruited the girls on Craigslist. “I drive my girls to and from shoots, and I make . . . good money,” he says in the film. In the case of Madison and the other girls at the Playboy mansion, the ringleader was the famous Hugh Hefner. Weeks was more of a free agent. She says in Becoming Belle Knox that she’s “so used to being always on the lookout for scammers or people who are going to try to pimp [her] out or traffic [her].” Comments like this are a testament to just how at-large pimping and trafficking are in the sex industry. And how skilled manipulation is often used to lure women into it.

While Madison made enemies in the Playboy mansion for her refusal to participate in prostitution for outside escort services, she found out that many women associated with Playboy were lured in. “Girls were routinely convinced that these men were willing to pay a premium for simply the pleasure of their company and not necessarily for sex—but from what I understand, that was almost never the case,” she writes in Down the Rabbit Hole.

In addition to drawing in those in financial need and taking a cut from their earnings, working in the sex industry offers neither good job security (generally their job lasts only as long as their youthful looks) nor options for employment after they leave. As Madison found out, “Being attached to Playboy can make people not want to have anything to do with you, even in quirky, crazy Hollywood. There were many times the hateful backlash made me wish I stayed the broke, awkward, 21-year-old waitress I’d been before Hef came into my life.”

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Another glaring issue brought to light by these women’s stories is the prevalence of abuse and rape in the sex industry.

Rough. That’s the word that seems to come to mind first when girls in amateur porn describe a scene they didn’t like. “It was a really, really, really rough scene,” Weeks said about her first dip into porn. “I wasn’t prepared for how rough it was.”

Weeks is referring to her first porn set, where she was physically beaten and choked as the cameras rolled. It’s an experience that amateur porn actresses face on a regular basis—signing on for one thing (a porn scene as it was described to you, for a certain amount of money), but then being forced to do something else while the cameras roll. It’s not uncommon for women to get physically beaten or forced to do a sexual act they weren’t informed of beforehand. Before Weeks’ scene where she is recorded on camera getting “ass-kicked,” Weeks had been told, “It’s not that bad; they’ll be very nice to you.” Despite her initial no, she ultimately agreed; $1200 was “fast, easy money” after all—or, at least, it was fast.

It turns out that formerly agreed-upon terms change very frequently on porn sets—once the actresses have already flown to the location, are in compromised positions, and feel they don’t have the option to decline.

That wasn’t the only scene in which Weeks had an unwanted sexual encounter. As she further describes in Becoming Belle Knox, her agent intentionally didn’t give her details about a porn shoot until she had committed to it. By the time she was informed the man was 50 years old, she felt her hands were tied, and she couldn’t say no. She would get fined and never hired from the company again. She went through with it “for professionalism,” she says. Despite feeling “like crying during the entire scene” and afterward feeling “really upset,” Weeks concluded that “even if your boundaries are disrespected, you should do the scene anyway.”

Employing “force, fraud, or coercion” in commercial sex acts is what is known as the crime of sex trafficking. Weeks may not have a sole person pimping her, but what she’s subjected to is dangerously close to sex trafficking, if not definitively so.

Photo Credit: Netflix
Photo Credit: Netflix

Weeks’ experience mirrored some of those recorded in the Hot Girls Wanted documentary. “Today was just so horrible,” Tressa said after doing a bondage scene. “That last part I hated so much,” a woman named Rachel says after a scene that was particularly painful. For Rachel’s scene, the director told the actors, “You kinda never get that yes,” suggesting that the forbidden nature of the sex act would make it more titillating for viewers. Turns out, in many cases, what’s true for the porn-fantasy script is true in reality. You kinda never get that yes.

At least 40 percent of porn depicts violence against women, according to Hot Girls Wanted. Among such trends are forced blow jobs to the point of making girls vomit (called “facial abuse” in porn lingo). “I was scared,” Rachel told a roommate after a rough scene. “I didn’t know that I could tell him no, or the fact that we had already recorded fifteen minutes that I could f***ing leave . . . then what? Then I understand that that’s how rape victims feel.”

“It’s really not that hard to take advantage of an 18-year-old [who’s] f***ing on camera,” Tressa says, reflecting on her time in porn. “I mean, most girls when I was in the industry would say yes to anything; if it had a dollar sign, sign me up.”

According to Herbenick and Paul’s research for Hot Girls Wanted, “In 2014, abuse porn websites averaged over 60 million combined hits per month—more hits than nfl.com, nba.com, hotwire.com, cbs.com, fortune.com, disney.com, and nbcnews.com.” Other researchers found that 88.2 percent of top-rated porn scenes contain aggressive acts; in 70 percent of occurrences, a man is the aggressor, and 94 percent of the time the violence is directed toward a woman.

As it happens, the forced smiles of women in the sex industry are just a fantasy. Far from enjoying the sexcapades, women are often just trying to grin and bear it. “It wasn’t even arousing . . . a lot of porn is like that,” Rachel says after one of her rougher scenes. “It’s all about the guy getting off.”

Although there was less violence, the same was true in the Playboy mansion. “I have never had a more disconnected experience,” Madison says of her first sexual encounter in the mansion. “There was zero intimacy involved.” That was the first of what became a routine experience twice a week. According to Madison’s book, the girlfriends would be expected to have a night out and then partake in Hefner’s bedroom schedule, which included the girls mimicking porn-like behavior with porn in the background, Hefner going from girl to girl without asking consent, and then climaxing by himself, again watching porn. Madison says that first time “weighed heavily” on her and was just the first on a long list of mistreatments she experienced at the mansion.

The Long Way Around

It may confuse some readers to understand why women don’t run kicking and screaming from scenarios like these. To be fair, many do. But still many others, once they experience something like this, experience a mess of emotions that includes a fear of facing their violation and a desire to feel in control—to own it, in other words. Mix this with a heavy dose of psychological manipulation from someone who’s likely an experienced predator, and you’ve got a girl who might not have an easy exit strategy.

“While I had come into the mansion looking for a temporary safe harbor and a possible stepping-stone to a Hollywood career,” Madison says, “I had fallen down a rabbit hole of nasty girls, a degrading love life, eroded self-esteem, and total fear of judgment from the outside world. . . . I just couldn’t admit to myself that I had made a terrible choice moving into the mansion in the first place. It was cognitive dissonance at its finest.”

Madison further explained, “It took years for me to realize just how manipulated and used I had been. I could never admit that to myself at the time because to do so would have been to acknowledge how dark and scary a situation I was in . . . and how very little in control I was.”

After reading Madison’s book, one can’t help but cringe to hear Weeks say, as she does in Becoming Belle Knox with a nervous laugh,“I have my identity, I know what I need, and I know what I want, sometimes . . . with porn everything is on my terms, I can say no whenever I want to, I am in control.” Viewers hear this moments before she promotes herself at a convention booth. “This movie is coming out; I get gangbanged; they put a collar and a leash on me; it’s really hot. I like rough stuff.” Rough, indeed.

A Line in the Sand

Are Holly and Tressa and Rachel and Miriam total victims though?

Well, yes and no.

Did they know what they were getting into? Yes, to the extent that they knew this was racy; this was risky. They may have even gone to a lot of effort to make themselves look desirable for the industry. But the no is a big no. No, because they didn’t know the extent to which they’d be abused, whether verbally or physically. No, because in many ways they were deceived and conned along the way. No, because they didn’t have full knowledge of the costs.

Did they make bad choices? Sure. (As Madison puts it, “I hope that sharing my mistakes can prevent someone else from making similar ones or give someone the courage to leave a bad situation.”) Can they bounce back? Sure, some are incredibly resilient. But was what happened wrong? Yes. It is wrong for others to gain profit and pleasure off the profound mistreatment of women.

We already have a national crisis of sexual assault and abuse not being reported; it’s only worse for women who’ve signed up for it and feel they don’t have any recourse. Women who are abused in the sex industry and do seek legal help are often slandered or discredited; they have few advocates in the public square besides a small community of other women who have also left the industry.

Photo Credit: Netflix
Photo Credit: Netflix

All the same, the public view of the sex industry, whether porn or Playboy, is that it is something the women freely choose and get justly compensated for. The myth that there’s such a thing as a high-end, no-abuse zone within the sex industry endures. Madison thought that was the Playboy Mansion. Weeks thought that was the California shoot she flew to on a three-day weekend. The young women in Jones’ documentary thought it was the gig in Miami. Turns out that what they had expected was very different from reality; all they had been exposed to was the media’s portrayal as it’s marketed to the public. Which is, of course, just fantasy.

But it’s a tempting fantasy, even for those in it. Many try to suggest, even if just a little bit, that sex work isn’t always bad. There are some humane cases of sex industry work; there are even feminist ways you can portray porn. No one wants to say all porn is bad, lest they sound like a moral extremist or a prude. Even Rashida Jones, who produced Hot Girls Wanted, has said, “I have no problem with porn. . . . I think it’s great that we have the freedom to explore our sexual fantasies and that there are tools to do that. The problem [for] me is that there’s no regulation in the industry.”

But what if these trends we see, from Belle Knox to Playboy to Miami, all point to something—that the sex industry, which exploits large swaths of women, is innately harmful? That it has always relied on the same thing to make money—dehumanizing vulnerable women for profit. To deny this is to endanger future girls. Perpetuating the fake story line for one more girl to buy in to—to think that, yet again, their brush with the sex industry will be different—is something very dangerous.

Toward the end of Hot Girls Wanted, one of the more seasoned porn actresses hears about Duke’s new amateur star, Belle Knox, including her abusive scene for a porn site she, too, knows well. “Facial abuse is, like, extra degrading,” she exclaims. “Not everybody can come back from that. I can tell by the way that she talks about it. . . . I mean, she doesn’t talk about it. She was one of those girls who didn’t know what she was getting herself into.”

The more we perpetuate the myth of healthy, happy porn careers, the more we make believe that it’s possible to have Marilyn Monroe’s highs without her lows. And, sadly, the more women will wander down the rabbit hole, thinking they’re the exception, not the rule.

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Published 6 december 2023

Ex-Performer Describes What BDSM and Abuse Porn Is Really Like

“They want the suffering.”

Have you ever wondered what really goes on in the world of extreme abuse porn?

Meet Theodosia, an ex-porn performer who spent years doing bondage, domination, submission and masochism (BDSM) porn. After surviving childhood abuse, the trauma she endured fed into violent and abusive romantic relationships, and eventually to a boyfriend introducing her to the world of violent pornography. She came to learn that the women who could endure a lot of pain on camera were valued in the BDSM porn world, and she was taught that her primary talent was suffering well.

One day, after years of being abused on camera, Theodosia realized she could no longer stomach the world she was thrown into. See how Theodosia got her start in BDSM porn, and why she eventually left the industry on her own terms.

Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative organization that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography by raising awareness on its harmful effects using only science, facts, and personal accounts.

To learn more about how pornography impacts individuals, relationships, and society, visit http://ftnd.org/. This video was made possible by Fighter Club. To help us create more content like this, consider joining Fighter Club at http://ftnd.org/fc.

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Published 6 december 2023

“Am I In Porn?”: This Tool Searches Porn Sites to See if Your Images are Used in Videos

JULY 19, 2022

Created by a German AI company called deepXtech UG, “Am I In Porn?” is a search engine that exists to help you find out if you appear on porn sites.

1 in 8.

According to research by the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative (CCRI), a nonprofit organization that offers services to victims of cyberbullying and cyber harassment, 1 in 8 is the number of social media-using survey respondents who said that they themselves had been victims of nonconsensual porn, also known as image-based sexual abuse.

And another 1 in 20 even admitted to having shared a sexually graphic image of another person without their consent.

Related: The New York Times Exposé That Helped Spark the Possible Beginning of the End of Pornhub

Those stats clearly exhibit a massive problem, but some underlying issues are making things worse.

Let’s dive into what’s going on and discuss what tools exist to fight the problem.

Porn sites make loads of money from nonconsensual porn and rape tapes

It’s possible that porn sites are incentivized not to take down nonconsensual porn and rape tapes because they’re popular. More views mean more money from advertisements for the sites, after all.

Take the story of 14-year-old Rose Kalemba, for example. In 2009, she was abducted by men driving around her neighborhood and reportedly raped by them for hours. After being stabbed multiple times and nearly dying, she was able to escape.

Sadly, one nightmare was quickly replaced by another. Only months after the attack, she reportedly discovered six videos of her rape on Pornhub. They were being shared by her schoolmates, and it led to intense bullying from classmates.

Related: How My Images were Stolen, Manipulated, and Nonconsensually Posted to a Porn Site

Rose spent the next half-year emailing Pornhub, requesting that they take down the videos. But, even with her explaining that she was a minor in the videos, her requests came up empty—Pornhub didn’t even respond to her and the videos stayed live on the site.

Finally, Rose set up an email account and contacted Pornhub posing as a lawyer threatening a lawsuit. Within 48 hours of the email, the videos of her were gone.

That’s right: the porn site reportedly ignored the “harmless” underage rape victim for months, but listened to the “credible” lawyer in a matter of days.

And why’d they do this? It might be because they had such a poor content moderation and review system, or because videos of her were maybe helping them rake in more cash. Either way, it doesn’t look good for one of the world’s most popular free porn sites.

Tools and tips that’ll help you fight nonconsensual porn

Rose’s story isn’t a one-time thing, it’s becoming a more frequent issue. As that’s the case, here are some tips and tools that can help you protect yourself.

According to Caleb Chen, an internet privacy advocate at Private Internet Access, a personal private network service, one thing you can do is make sure your phone isn’t automatically backing up into the cloud.

Related: “I Wasn’t in Control of My Body”: How the Porn Industry Cashes In on Nonconsensual Content

“When you take a photo on an iPhone, it encourages you to back it up on iCloud (a bunch of servers run by Apple) and many users have accepted having all their photos backed up onto the cloud, whether during their phone set-up or later, and then forgotten about it,” explains Chen. “When the photo is sent to the cloud, it is generally encrypted in some way so the cloud provider can’t see what the contents are. The issue is that cloud back-ups can be accessed with an email and password, and those are often not as secure as people think.”

Check out this guide to making sure your phone isn’t automatically backing up into the cloud, if this is a precaution you’d like to take. Note that a risk with not uploading your photos to iCloud is that they’ll need to be backed up elsewhere or else you’ll lose your photos altogether if something were to happen to your phone.

Related: “I Didn’t Know If They’d Kill Me”: What Happened When This Jane Doe was Trafficked by GirlsDoPorn

Another thing you can do is check out the new site “Am I In Porn?” Created by a German AI company called deepXtech UG, “Am I In Porn?” is a search engine that exists to help you find out if you appear on porn sites.

What is “Am I In Porn?” and how does it work?

Because victims cannot know if there is “parasite porn” or revenge porn of themselves on the internet until they or someone they know stumbles upon it, it is intended for any person who wants to check that no pornographic content of themselves is distributed on various porn platforms without having to visit those platforms themselves. These can be any number of people including, but not limited to, those who have passed on content to third parties or those who fear that pornographic material has been created and distributed without their knowledge (e.g. by DeepFake technology).

“Am I In Porn?” allows users who are over the age of 18 to match their face with millions of videos and find out within seconds if people in the videos they searched are similar. All you have to do is upload a picture of yourself (which will never be saved) and check the results. The photo only needs to show your face clearly, and the site will only show you the videos that have the highest probability of a match.

How does it make these matches?

Related: MindGeek, Pornhub’s Parent Company, Sued for Reportedly Hosting Videos of Child Sex Trafficking

The simple answer is mathematics. According to the site, every face has a unique arrangement of features, such as eyes, nose, mouth, etc., which have a certain distance between them. Mathematically speaking, these distances and arrangements are things called “vectors.” The site then built a database with millions of vectors, which they extracted from millions of porn videos. As soon as you upload an image, they extract the vectors and match them with their database. The more similar the arrangement of the vectors, the higher the probability that the face is the same.

If and when you find a match, “Am I In Porn?” will provide you with step-by-step instructions on how to quickly and easily report and remove the video on the appropriate platform.

Currently, the site charges a small fee (through PayPal or a SEPA direct debit mandate) for each search to cover their costs and is only available in European Union countries. They are working to change both of those things because they believe “things that make the world a better place should be free” and available to all.

Is nonconsensual porn even allowed?

On its face, the law strongly prohibits nonconsensual porn. However, a number of loopholes exist that make it extremely difficult to hold those sharing the illicit imagery responsible. Click here to learn more about how porn sites profit from nonconsensual imagery.

Survivors of nonconsensual image sharing face many disruptive mental health issues that affect their daily lives. And, although they haven’t faced literal sexual assault, in some cases, there are striking similarities between the mental health effects of sexual assault and nonconsensual video creation for survivors.

Related: Their Private Videos Were Nonconsensually Uploaded to Pornhub, and Now These Women are Fighting Back

Porn sites don’t care about your mental health. They don’t care whether or not you were raped. All that matters is money, and how they can profit from content—even if that content displays someone’s real suffering.

So, how many more must be exploited until society recognizes the harms of porn and the porn industry?

This is one of the many reasons we raise awareness on the harms of porn, because many porn sites profit from the creation and distribution of nonconsensual content.

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Published 6 december 2023

Real Rape Videos Reportedly Continually on World’s Most Popular Porn Site

XVideos reportedly receives over 3.3 billion site visits per month. The site also reportedly hosts non-consensual content like real rape and abuse videos.

AUGUST 8, 2022

XVideos, the world’s most popular porn sites, reportedly receives over 3.3 billion site visits per month.

The site also reportedly still hosts real rape tapes and abuse videos, according to a recent report by a German media company.

This isn’t the first time XVideos has been reviewed and called out for illegal and illicit content—this scathing review was just published due to the countless sexually violent videos on its website.

The review came from Netzpolitik.org, a Berlin-based media company whose mission is to increase internet digital freedom and openness.

Related: XVideos, World’s Most Popular Porn Site, Reportedly Hosts Nonconsensual Content & Child Exploitation

The report showed that XVideos has taken steps to combat toxic content, such as banning the term “rape,” but that a number of videos still exist on the site that are extremely abusive and problematic.

Netzpolitik was able to find videos where people do not seem to be “fully conscious but are apparently being abused for sexual acts,” while other videos are of people who “don’t seem to know they’re being filmed, for example on the toilet.”

Moreover, slight changes to spelling and wording can still reportedly provide access to videos that should be banned under rape searches. For example, the site has content categories, like “against her will” or “unconscious and f—ed,” and instead of typing “rape,” closely-related but alternate search terms provide over 400,000 results.

It’s no wonder that Chris Köver, editor at Netzpolitik, said that “XVideos could certainly do more to prevent distribution of these recordings.”

Is XVideos moderating its content?

XVideos reportedly pays a bunch of people to stop toxic content from ever being uploaded to the site or to get rid of it the moment it’s found. Also, as we mentioned earlier, the porn site has stopped uploaders from using certain tags that hint at sexual abuse and violence.

However, it’s not difficult to get around such tags and it’s nearly impossible for the moderators to catch everything that’s uploaded given XVideos is the 7th-most visited website in the world, and the first most-popular porn site.

Related: By the Numbers: Is the Porn Industry Connected to Sex Trafficking?

While XVideos does have an online form that can be filled out anonymously to flag videos to moderators (Netzpolitik‘s review noted 25 of the 30 videos it flagged were removed within a day), it’s still not enough.

Why? Because this kind of system puts the burden on people to report the things they see. It forces abuse victims, for example, to be re-victimized by searching for and seeing their violation broadcast to the world.

Related: How Porn Portrays Violence As a Sexual Fantasy

In other words, unless moderators or an occasional external reviewer finds it among all the toxic content being uploaded on a minute-by-minute basis, it’s not all going to be reported.

That’s a problem because it opens the door for victims of all types to be traumatized again and again rather than preventing the disturbing content from being shared and consumed for “entertainment” in the first place.

What happens when victims are traumatized by sexual content shared against their will?

Take the tragic story of a 16-year-old girl from Perth, Australia recounted by journalist Nicholas Kristof in an investigative op-ed for The New York Times.

The teen Snapchatted a nude photo of herself to her then-boyfriend with a message, “I love you. I trust you.” Without consent, the boyfriend immediately screenshot the snap and shared it with five of his friends, who then shared it with 47 other friends.

Before long, over 200 students at the teen’s school had seen the image with one person uploading it to a porn site with her name and school.

Related: 20 Stats About the Porn Industry and its Underage Consumers

The teen stopped attending school and self-medicated with drugs. Her family moved to a different city and then a different state, but she felt she could not escape. At 21 years old, she died by suicide.

Sadly, this story is an all too common one. People’s lives are turned upside-down: some are forced to change their names, looks, and move. Others face mental health crises. And others still face all of these ramifications and more.

What if the content isn’t real sexual abuse imagery?

Most people would probably agree that if something was uploaded without consent, it should be taken down, but what about the content that is simply staged and scripted as if one person is being sexually abused?

For example, many of the links Google returns for a search term like “schoolgirl” will likely be of porn performers who are play acting child abuse, but this blend of professional videos mixed with non-consensual and abusive content is problematic for a few reasons:

  1. This content makes it even more challenging for consumers to tell the difference between the real and staged videos of abuse.
  2. These videos sexualize and fetishize real abuse scenarios that can ultimately influence their sexual tastes.1

Related: How Can You Know for Sure if the Porn You Watch is Consensual?

Even if the video isn’t technically “real rape,” it normalizes the abuse that many do face and creates demand for more exploitative, violent content.

Exploitation, rape, sexual assault, and sex abuse are not sexual entertainment.

Why this matters

There are videos that exist that don’t contain real or acted sexual abuse material, but it seems as though violence-free content is becoming more rare in the mainstream porn world.

One study analyzing the acts portrayed in porn videos suggests that as little as 35.0% and as much as 88.2% of popular porn scenes contain violence or aggression, and that women are the targets of violence approximately 97% of the time.23

Related: Man Sets Up Fake “Sleep Study” To Rape 100 Women And Film It

Another study found the most common form of sexual violence shown was between family members, and frequent terms used to describe the videos included “abuse,” “annihilation,” and “attack.” The researchers concluded by saying that these sites are “likely hosting” unlawful material.4

And the few videos that exist that don’t fall under the categories we’ve mentioned earlier still have their own host of negative effects on viewers ranging from decreased enjoyment in sex, decreased empathy, lowered self-esteem and more.

At the end of the day, porn is just not worth it. Protect yourself and protect others by refusing to click.

Citations

1Downing, M. J., Jr, Schrimshaw, E. W., Scheinmann, R., Antebi-Gruszka, N., & Hirshfield, S. (2017). Sexually Explicit Media Use by Sexual Identity: A Comparative Analysis of Gay, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men in the United States. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(6), 1763–1776. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0837-9

2Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C., & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and sexual behavior in best-selling pornography videos: a content analysis update. Violence against women, 16(10), 1065–1085. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801210382866

3Fritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0

4Vera-Gray, F., McGlynn, C., Kureshi, I., & Butterby, K. (2021). Sexual violence as a sexual script in mainstream online pornography. The British Journal of Criminology, doi:10.1093/bjc/azab035

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Published 6 december 2023

Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma

Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma

Recovering from sexual assault takes time, and the healing process can be painful. But you can regain your sense of control, rebuild your self-worth, and learn to heal.

The aftermath of rape and sexual trauma

Sexual violence is shockingly common in our society. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly 1 in 5 women in the U.S. are raped or sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, often by someone they know and trust. In some Asian, African, and Middle Eastern countries, that figure is even higher. And sexual assault isn’t limited to women; many men and boys suffer rape and sexual trauma each year.

Regardless of age or gender, the impact of sexual violence goes far beyond any physical injuries. The trauma of being raped or sexually assaulted can be shattering, leaving you feeling scared, ashamed, and alone or plagued by nightmares, flashbacks, and other unpleasant memories. The world doesn’t feel like a safe place anymore. You no longer trust others. You don’t even trust yourself. You may question your judgment, your self-worth, and even your sanity. You may blame yourself for what happened or believe that you’re “dirty” or “damaged goods.” Relationships feel dangerous, intimacy impossible. And on top of that, like many rape survivors, you may struggle with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

It’s important to remember that what you’re experiencing is a normal reaction to trauma. Your feelings of helplessness, shame, defectiveness, and self-blame are symptoms, not reality. No matter how difficult it may seem, with these tips and techniques, you can come to terms with what happened, regain your sense of safety and trust, and learn to heal and move on with your life.

Myths and facts about rape and sexual assault

Dispelling the toxic, victim-blaming myths about sexual violence can help you start the healing process.

Myths and facts about rape and sexual assault
Myth: You can spot a rapist by the way he looks or acts.

 

Fact: There’s no surefire way to identify a rapist. Many appear completely normal, friendly, charming, and non-threatening.

Myth: If you didn’t fight back, you must not have thought it was that bad.

 

Fact: During a sexual assault, it’s extremely common to freeze. Your brain and body shuts down in shock, making it difficult to move, speak, or think.

Myth: People who are raped “ask for it” by the way they dress or act.

 

Fact: Rape is a crime of opportunity. Studies show that rapists choose victims based on their vulnerability, not on how sexy they appear or how flirtatious they are.

Myth: Date rape is often a misunderstanding.

 

Fact: Date rapists often defend themselves by claiming the assault was a drunken mistake or miscommunication. But research shows that the vast majority of date rapists are repeat offenders. These men target vulnerable people and often ply them with alcohol in order to rape them.

Myth: It’s not rape if you’ve had sex with the person before.

 

Fact: Just because you’ve previously consented to sex with someone doesn’t give them perpetual rights to your body. If your spouse, boyfriend, or lover forces sex against your will, it’s rape.

Recovering from rape or sexual trauma step 1: Open up about what happened to you

It can be extraordinarily difficult to admit that you were raped or sexually assaulted. There’s a stigma attached. It can make you feel dirty and weak. You may also be afraid of how others will react. Will they judge you? Look at you differently? It seems easier to downplay what happened or keep it a secret. But when you stay silent, you deny yourself help and reinforce your victimhood.

Reach out to someone you trust. It’s common to think that if you don’t talk about your rape, it didn’t really happen. But you can’t heal when you’re avoiding the truth. And hiding only adds to feelings of shame. As scary as it is to open up, it will set you free. However, it’s important to be selective about who you tell, especially at first. Your best bet is someone who will be supportive, empathetic, and calm. If you don’t have someone you trust, talk to a therapist or call a rape crisis hotline.

Challenge your sense of helplessness and isolation. Trauma leaves you feeling powerless and vulnerable. It’s important to remind yourself that you have strengths and coping skills that can get you through tough times. One of the best ways to reclaim your sense of power is by helping others: volunteer your time, give blood, reach out to a friend in need, or donate to your favorite charity.

Consider joining a support group for other rape or sexual abuse survivors. Support groups can help you feel less isolated and alone. They also provide invaluable information on how to cope with symptoms and work towards recovery. If you can’t find a support group in your area, look for an online group.

Step 2: Cope with feelings of guilt and shame

Even if you intellectually understand that you’re not to blame for the rape or sexual attack, you may still struggle with a sense of guilt or shame. These feelings can surface immediately following the assault or arise years after the attack. But as you acknowledge the truth of what happened, it will be easier to fully accept that you are not responsible. You did not bring the assault on yourself and you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Feelings of guilt and shame often stem from misconceptions such as:

You didn’t stop the assault from happening. After the fact, it’s easy to second guess what you did or didn’t do. But when you’re in the midst of an assault, your brain and body are in shock. You can’t think clearly. Many people say they feel “frozen.” Don’t judge yourself for this natural reaction to trauma. You did the best you could under extreme circumstances. If you could have stopped the assault, you would have.

You trusted someone you “shouldn’t” have. One of the most difficult things to deal with following an assault by someone you know is the violation of trust. It’s natural to start questioning yourself and wondering if you missed warning signs. Just remember that your attacker is the only one to blame. Don’t beat yourself up for assuming that your attacker was a decent human being. Your attacker is the one who should feel guilty and ashamed, not you.

You were drunk or not cautious enough. Regardless of the circumstances, the only one who is responsible for the assault is the perpetrator. You did not ask for it or deserve what happened to you. Assign responsibility where it belongs: on the rapist.

Step 3: Prepare for flashbacks and upsetting memories

When you go through something stressful, your body temporarily goes into “fight-or-flight” mode. When the threat has passed, your body calms down. But traumatic experiences such as rape can cause your nervous system to become stuck in a state of high alert. You’re hypersensitive to the smallest of stimuli. This is the case for many rape survivors.

Flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive memories are extremely common, especially in the first few months following the assault. If your nervous system remains “stuck” in the long-term and you develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), they can last much longer.

To reduce the stress of flashbacks and upsetting memories:

Try to anticipate and prepare for triggers. Common triggers include anniversary dates; people or places associated with the rape; and certain sights, sounds, or smells. If you are aware of what triggers may cause an upsetting reaction, you’ll be in a better position to understand what’s happening and take steps to calm down.

Pay attention to your body’s danger signals. Your body and emotions give you clues when you’re starting to feel stressed and unsafe. These clues include feeling tense, holding your breath, racing thoughts, shortness of breath, hot flashes, dizziness, and nausea.

Take immediate steps to self-soothe. When you notice any of the above symptoms, it’s important to quickly act to calm yourself down before they spiral out of control. One of the quickest and most effective ways to calm anxiety and panic is to slow down your breathing.

Soothe panic with this simple breathing exercise

  • Sit or stand comfortably with your back straight. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
  • Take a slow breath in through your nose, counting to four. The hand on your stomach should rise. The hand on your chest should move very little.
  • Hold your breath for a count of seven.
  • Exhale through your mouth to a count of eight, pushing out as much air as you can while contracting your abdominal muscles. The hand on your stomach should move in as you exhale, but your other hand should move very little.
  • Inhale again, repeating the cycle until you feel relaxed and centered.

Tips for dealing with flashbacks

It’s not always possible to prevent flashbacks. But if you find yourself losing touch with the present and feeling like the sexual assault is happening all over again, there are actions you can take.

Accept and reassure yourself that this is a flashback, not reality. The traumatic event is over and you survived. Here’s a simple script that can help: “I am feeling [panicked, frightened, overwhelmed, etc.] because I am remembering the rape/sexual assault, but as I look around I can see that the assault isn’t happening right now and I’m not actually in danger.”

Ground yourself in the present. Grounding techniques can help you direct your attention away from the flashback and back to your present environment. For example, try tapping or touching your arms or describing your actual environment and what you see when you look around—name the place where you are, the current date, and three things you see when you look around.

Step 4: Reconnect to your body and feelings

Since your nervous system is in a hypersensitive state following a rape or assault, you may start trying to numb yourself or avoid any associations with the trauma. But you can’t selectively numb your feelings. When you shut down the unpleasant sensations, you also shut down your self-awareness and capacity for joy. You end up disconnected both emotionally and physically—existing, but not fully living.

Signs that you’re avoiding and numbing in unhelpful ways:

Feeling physically shut down. You don’t feel bodily sensations like you used to (you might even have trouble differentiating between pleasure and pain).

Feeling separate from your body or surroundings (you may feel like you’re watching yourself or the situation you’re in, rather than participating in it).

Having trouble concentrating and remembering things.

Using stimulants, risky activities, or physical pain to feel alive and counteract the empty feeling inside of you.

Compulsively using drugs or alcohol.

Escaping through fantasies, daydreams, or excessive TV, video games, etc.

Feeling detached from the world, the people in your life, and the activities you used to enjoy.

To recover after rape, you need to reconnect to your body and feelings

It’s frightening to get back in touch with your body and feelings following a sexual trauma. In many ways, rape makes your body the enemy, something that’s been violated and contaminated—something you may hate or want to ignore. It’s also scary to face the intense feelings associated with the assault. But while the process of reconnecting may feel threatening, it’s not actually dangerous. Feelings, while powerful, are not reality. They won’t hurt you or drive you insane. The true danger to your physical and mental health comes from avoiding them.

Once you’re back in touch with your body and feelings, you will feel more safe, confident, and powerful. You can achieve this through the following techniques:

Rhythmic movement. Rhythm can be very healing. It helps us relax and regain a sense of control over our bodies. Anything that combines rhythm and movement will work: dancing, drumming, marching. You can even incorporate it into your walking or running routine by concentrating on the back and forth movements of your arms and legs.

Mindfulness meditation. You can practice mindfulness meditation anywhere, even while you are walking or eating. Simply focus on what you’re feeling in the present movement—including any bodily sensations and emotions. The goal is to observe without judgement.

Yoga, Tai Chi, and Qigong. These activities combine body awareness with relaxing, focused movement and can help relieve symptoms of PTSD and trauma.

Massage. After rape, you may feel uncomfortable with human touch. But touching and being touched is an important way we give and receive affection and comfort. You can begin to reopen yourself to human contact through massage therapy.

A powerful program for reconnecting to your feelings and physical sensations

HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit can help you recover after rape by reconnecting you to uncomfortable or frightening emotions without becoming overwhelmed. You can use the toolkit in conjunction with therapy, or on its own. Over time, it can make a huge difference in your ability to manage stress, balance your moods and emotions, and take back control of your life.

Step 5: Stay connected

It’s common to feel isolated and disconnected from others following a sexual assault. You may feel tempted to withdraw from social activities and your loved ones. But it’s important to stay connected to life and the people who care about you. Support from other people is vital to your recovery. But remember that support doesn’t mean that you always have to talk about or dwell on what happened. Having fun and laughing with people who care about you can be equally healing.

Participate in social activities, even if you don’t feel like it. Do “normal” things with other people, things that have nothing to do with the sexual trauma.

Reconnect with old friends. If you’ve retreated from relationships that were once important to you, make the effort to reconnect.

Make new friends. If you live alone or far from family and friends, try to reach out and make new friends. Take a class or join a club to meet people with similar interests, connect to an alumni association, or reach out to neighbors or work colleagues.

Step 6: Nurture yourself

Healing from sexual trauma is a gradual, ongoing process. It doesn’t happen overnight, nor do the memories of the trauma ever disappear completely. This can make life seem difficult at times. But there are many steps you can take to cope with the residual symptoms and reduce your anxiety and fear.

Take time to rest and restore your body’s balance. That means taking a break when you’re tired and avoiding the temptation to lose yourself by throwing yourself into activities. Avoid doing anything compulsively, including working. If you’re having trouble relaxing and letting down your guard, you may benefit from relaxation techniques such as meditation and yoga.

Be smart about media consumption. Avoid watching any program that could trigger bad memories or flashbacks. This includes obvious things such as news reports about sexual violence and sexually explicit TV shows and movies. But you may also want to temporarily avoid anything that’s over-stimulating, including social media.

Take care of yourself physically. It’s always important to eat right, exercise regularly, and get plenty of sleep—but even more so when you’re healing from trauma. Exercise in particular can soothe your traumatized nervous system, relieve stress, and help you feel more powerful and in control of your body.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. Avoid the temptation to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. Substance use worsens many symptoms of trauma, including emotional numbing, social isolation, anger, and depression. It also interferes with treatment and can contribute to problems at home and in your relationships.

How to help someone recover from rape or sexual trauma

When a spouse, partner, sibling, or other loved one has been raped or sexually assaulted, it can generate painful emotions and take a heavy toll on your relationship. You may feel angry and frustrated, be desperate for your relationship to return to how it was before the assault, or even want to retaliate against your loved one’s attacker. But it’s your patience, understanding, and support that your loved one needs now, not more displays of aggression or violence.

Let your loved one know that you still love them and reassure them that the assault was not their fault. Nothing they did or didn’t do could make them culpable in any way.

Allow your loved one to open up at their own pace. Some victims of sexual assault find it very difficult to talk about what happened, others may need to talk about the assault over and over again. This can make you feel alternately frustrated or uncomfortable. But don’t try to force your loved one to open up or urge them to stop rehashing the past. Instead, let them know that you’re there to listen whenever they want to talk. If hearing about your loved one’s assault brings you discomfort, talking to another person can help put things in perspective.

Encourage your loved one to seek help, but don’t pressurize. Following the trauma of a rape or sexual assault, many people feel totally disempowered. You can help your loved one to regain a sense of control by not pushing or cajoling. Encourage them to reach out for help, but let them make the final decision. Take cues from your loved one as to how you can best provide support.

Show empathy and caution about physical intimacy. It’s common for someone who’s been sexually assaulted to shy away from physical touch, but at the same time it’s important they don’t feel those closest to them are emotionally withdrawing or that they’ve somehow been “tarnished” by the attack. As well as expressing affection verbally, seek permission to hold or touch your loved one. In the case of a spouse or sexual partner, understand that your loved one will likely need time to regain a sense of control over their life and body before desiring sexual intimacy.

Take care of yourself. The more calm, relaxed, and focused you are, the better you’ll be able to help your loved one. Manage your own stress and reach out to others for support.

Be patient. Healing from the trauma of rape or sexual assault takes time. Flashbacks, nightmares, debilitating fear, and other symptom of PTSD can persist long after any physical injuries have healed. To learn more, read Helping Someone with PTSD.

Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A. and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

 

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